On Thu, 11 Sep 2003, der.hans wrote:
> here's a proposed press release.
My feedback below.
> On Saturday, October 25, from 10:00 to 16:00, PLUG invites public and
> press to attend a no cost Linux InstallFest at the University of Advancing
> Technology, <UAT addy>.
Maybe should start sentence with PLUG (and it should be spelled out --
don't just use acronym at first).
AP style for time of day is: "from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.".
You don't need to mention "and press" in the press release. (But invite
them in the letter that you send to the press to ask to cover your story.)
> This is an opportunity for computers users to
> receive expert help in installing GNU/Linux, a freely available operating
> system, on their personal computer or macintosh.
Macintosh should be capitalized.
> There will also be no cost presentations on Free Software and how to use it
> effectively for work or home.
At this point, it may be unclear to the editor (or reader) why free
software is capitalized. (So maybe just keep it lower.)
> Linux is the core of a free operating system that includes software from
> projects such as GNU, GNOME and KDE. It can be installed as the lone
> operating system or alongside another operating system on the computer.
>
> "The GNU/Linux system is a stable, secure operating system that isn't
> susceptable to email, web or document viruses.", said der.hans, CEO of AZOTO
> (Arizona Open Technologies Organization). "AZOTO is proud to help user
> groups promote the use of Free Software.", he continued.
I'd suggest using a real name. (I don't mean to offend if that is your
real name.)
Also, use name of organization first with acronym in parenthesis.
Change period with in both quotes to a comma (and remove next comma).
> Come see Knoppix, a GNU/Linux distribution that runs right from CD without
> using the hard drive.
...
Maybe reword to say ...
Demonstrations will include: Knoppix, a GNU/Linux distribution that runs
right from CD without using the hard drive, the Linux Terminal
Server Project (LTSP) which can provide 20 fast workstations for under
$2000, OpenOffice.org's office suite, and the GIMP drawing program.
> These tools are all Free Software, guaranteeing people and companies the
> right to use the software as they wish. Free Software can be freely copied,
> modified and examined. Computer experts consider these freedoms essential
> to computer security and believe they provide more robust systems than
> proprietary software vendors.
Okay, I see "Free Software" is explained here.
> Attendees wishing to have GNU/Linux installed on their computers need only
> bring their computer, monitor, keyboard and mouse. Those who connect to the
> Internet using a dial-up modem should bring the modem as well.
s/wishing to have/interested in having/
s/need only/should/
Good job!
Jeremy C. Reed
http://www.reedmedia.net/
(text/plain)