Am 11. Sep, 2003 schw=E4tzte Jeremy C. Reed so:
> On Thu, 11 Sep 2003, der.hans wrote:
>
> > here's a proposed press release.
>
> My feedback below.
>
> > On Saturday, October 25, from 10:00 to 16:00, PLUG invites public and
> > press to attend a no cost Linux InstallFest at the University of Advanc=
ing
> > Technology, <UAT addy>.
>
> Maybe should start sentence with PLUG (and it should be spelled out --
> don't just use acronym at first).
I think it's good to get the date out front. PLUG is spelled out in the
tagline. We can switch them. Trying to keep the opening paragraph short
enough to read in one afternoon :).
> AP style for time of day is: "from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.".
AP style sucks. I'll change it if we think it should be changed, but I thin=
k
the way I have it is better. Guess I agree with the .eu on some things :).
> You don't need to mention "and press" in the press release. (But invite
> them in the letter that you send to the press to ask to cover your story.=
)
OK, whacked them out. That brings up the need for a cover letter of sorts a=
s
well.
> > This is an opportunity for computers users to
> > receive expert help in installing GNU/Linux, a freely available operati=
ng
> > system, on their personal computer or macintosh.
>
> Macintosh should be capitalized.
OK, changed that. Personally, I think it should be PPC :).
> > There will also be no cost presentations on Free Software and how to us=
e it
> > effectively for work or home.
>
> At this point, it may be unclear to the editor (or reader) why free
> software is capitalized. (So maybe just keep it lower.)
Nope. It should be capitalized. We could move the definition or count this
as foreshadowing ( see Mrs. B, I was paying attention in lit classes :).
> > Linux is the core of a free operating system that includes software fro=
m
> > projects such as GNU, GNOME and KDE. It can be installed as the lone
> > operating system or alongside another operating system on the computer.
> >
> > "The GNU/Linux system is a stable, secure operating system that isn't
> > susceptable to email, web or document viruses.", said der.hans, CEO of =
AZOTO
> > (Arizona Open Technologies Organization). "AZOTO is proud to help user
> > groups promote the use of Free Software.", he continued.
>
> I'd suggest using a real name. (I don't mean to offend if that is your
> real name.)
For public use that is my real name.
> Also, use name of organization first with acronym in parenthesis.
I know that's standard, but we're trying to promote AZOTO as a brand. I can
change it if we need to, but I really prefer the explanation in parens.
Heck, I generally prefer that anyway as the spelled out names often overly
lengthen sentences.
Do they even explain NFL, ABC, AOL anymore?
> Change period with in both quotes to a comma (and remove next comma).
OK got that. Guess that's the price for letting foofoo lit people decide ho=
w
grammar should be done :).
> > Come see Knoppix, a GNU/Linux distribution that runs right from CD with=
out
> > using the hard drive.
> ...
>
> Maybe reword to say ...
>
> Demonstrations will include: Knoppix, a GNU/Linux distribution that run=
s
> right from CD without using the hard drive, the Linux Terminal
> Server Project (LTSP) which can provide 20 fast workstations for under
> $2000, OpenOffice.org's office suite, and the GIMP drawing program.
I want to highlight Knoppix this time around, so would prefer to give it it=
s
own paragraph.
Maybe we should be highlighting OpenOffice.org or something else instead.
I think we highlighted LTSP last time.
> > These tools are all Free Software, guaranteeing people and companies th=
e
> > right to use the software as they wish. Free Software can be freely cop=
ied,
> > modified and examined. Computer experts consider these freedoms essenti=
al
> > to computer security and believe they provide more robust systems than
> > proprietary software vendors.
>
> Okay, I see "Free Software" is explained here.
I prefer to sneak up on them ;-).
> > Attendees wishing to have GNU/Linux installed on their computers need o=
nly
> > bring their computer, monitor, keyboard and mouse. Those who connect to=
the
> > Internet using a dial-up modem should bring the modem as well.
>
> s/wishing to have/interested in having/
> s/need only/should/
OK, got those.
ciao,
der.hans
--=20
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