Confrontation and bickering (Was: Re: chix finder)

[Mike Schwartz]

On Tue, Feb 26, 2008 at 8:54 AM, Erich Newell <erich.newell at gmail.com> wrote:

> [...] this thread... [...] the bickering.
> [...snip...]
>
> For those who seem unable to debate without personal insult:
> Please learn to focus discussion on the topic at hand and not
> the belief structure or mental faculties of others involved in the
> conversation.
>
> For those who seem unable to debate without personal injury:
> The world is filled with those who are every bit as intelligent,
> clever and passionate as you are...who hold a viewpoint
> diametrically opposed to yours. Please grow a pair.
>
> For the record: I welcome any and all comments. My feelings
> are indestructible. Debate and discourse feed my soul and help
> me to shape the axioms of my life and allow me to better understand
> others...even those who infuriate me to no end. (You know who you are)
>
> I look forward to some quality discussions with you all, especially
> those concerning our common love of Linux.
>
> Best Regards,
>    Erich Newell
> --
> "A man is defined by the questions that he asks; and the way he goes about finding the answers to those questions is the way he goes through life."
> ---------------------------------------------------
> PLUG-discuss mailing list - [...]

I *thought* something about this rang a bell!
First, in Craig White's post 10:32 am today
   http://lists.plug.phoenix.az.us/lurker/message/20080226.164214.e6a07a49.en.html
(or was it 9:42 am?  whatever...)
     I read the part about
> I suggested [...] that you were tone deaf and I think
> I speak with experience here because I am often
> accused of being tone deaf too.
...and it reminded me of someone on the facebook site who
joined a group called "Adults with Asperger's Syndrome":
     http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=3063365093
it lists numerous issues, "such as":
> Awareness of hurting the feelings of others: a lack of empathy
> often leads to unintentionally offensive or insensitive behaviors.
(do I need to join that "facebook group" also?  Naah...)
(For some *humor!*, and maybe insight too, see
     http://isnt.autistics.org/
).
Then I came to this thread -and, when I saw the stuff about
> I welcome any and all comments.
> My feelings are indestructible.
it just clicked, and I decided to find that
old (original) message (that had a link to
    http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/tact.html
...turns out it was from Jan 14, 2008, from Craig White):
   http://lists.plug.phoenix.az.us/lurker/message/20080115.022617.b714aa23.en.html
so - while it might be too late for some folks who have already
decided to "killfile" [unsub from] (stop reading) this list
    (ha-ha - see http://catb.org/jargon/html/K/kill-file.html),
I hope that maybe some [others]
would take a step back, and rather than being scared off
by some of the late (perceived?) unpleasantness, would take
heart and keep in mind the stuff mentioned in
    http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/tact.html
.
That is, perhaps others such as
> Did I make a wrong choice is joining this group?
which is a quote from
    http://lists.plug.phoenix.az.us/lurker/message/20080226.134243.5e5c24f1.en.html
and everyone else who might be thinking (but maybe
not posting) along the same lines.
PS:  I think according to some philosophies, the ideal is to
learn "both" kinds of filtering (see
    http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/tact.html
for the 2 kinds) (input and output, basically).  That seems to
be the point of (much of) the message I am replying to, here.
That is, one should have a "Turtle Wax" exterior so as not to
take offense when none was intended, and just let it
roll off like beads of rain water, or maybe even so as to
[be armor-plated, and]
not get too upset even when some offense was intended,
at least in those cases where the person is being "not just"
impolite "but also" intentionally obnoxious.  And
one should also be careful with one's output messages,
to self-censor one's outputs (like, posts) "as appropriate".
Obviously that is hard to do, for some folks - such as
the "Adults with Asperger's Syndrome"
and some other ["normal" or neuro-typical] folks who just
don't have the right radar or x-rays or whatever it is.
Sure, it's hard to do - witness the quantity of wives and
girlfriends who, when the guy fails to just know something
without being told, they slip in to a habit of assuming that
if the guy really cared, then he could have just spent X
amount more of time / effort, and he would have been
able to know (whatever it is) without being told.  [Ha!]
But it doesn't necessarily mean it's better to give up.
'Do the best you can.'
sorry this was so long...
-- 
Mike Schwartz
Glendale  AZ
schwartz at acm.org