review: Computer Buyer article

[der.hans]

Am 08. Aug, 2002 schwätzte George Toft so:

> <chainsaw>
> Make your dates Corporate American, not European or Military.

They were none of the above. They were hptf ( Hans' preferred time format ).
I should've changed them before sending it over, but I'd've used a different
format than Michelle suggested, so it didn't matter :).

> Spell out Saturday.

OK.

> Second paragraph, begins with a clause, but you are missing the comma,
> making it a run-on sentence.  It should be: "Before the InstallFest
> event, organizer William Lindley, a . . ."
>
> Ditto on the third paragraph: "After the InstallFest, Jim Wejroch,
> steering committee . . ."
>
> Ditto on the fourth paragraph: "In addition to the software installs,
> there were several . . ."

I keep thinking I add too many commas. Thanks for reminding me it's OK in
English too.

> Parenthetical items do not have a space on each side of the parenthesis:
> "( AZOTO )" should be "(AZOTO)" (multiple occurrences).

But it still compiles! :) Changed.

> Seventh paragraph makes me ask: "What do these two sentences have to do
> with each other?"  Maybe you can combine it with the previous paragraph?

I'd ripped them off the paragraph to shorten it. Plopped 'em back up there.

> Debian is a proper noun and must be capitalized in your ninth paragraph.

Nope. 'debian' is a brand name, it gets capitalized however they want. They
can't seem to make up their minds, so I went with the big D.

> The first three paragraphs under "What is Free Software?" is confusing
> and conflicting.  I also do not agree with it - it seems you are
> comparing and contrasting Copyright Law and GNU Public Licensing, when
> they actually complement each other.  Much of our beloved Free Software
> is copyrighted.  It is further licensed to allow for freedom.  I suggest
> plagiarizing, er, I mean, borrowing the FSF's spiel in this topic.

I've reworked that intro. Let me know if it works better.

> Last paragraph in that section mentions "the four freedoms of Free
> Software" but I did not see them mentioned.  Did I miss them?  Be
> explicit and put these four freedoms in front of me, or don't mention
> them.

I mentioned them, but not explicitly. I've changed that.

> I suggest changing the wording of the first paragraph of section
> "InstallFest2" to: "Due to the success of the July InstallFest, as well
> as many requests for a subsequent event, PLUG has scheduled InstallFest2
> at Glendale Community College on Saturday, September 28, 2002."

Done. I was avoiding an 'as well as', but I really like them :).

> Third paragraph of that section - try to avoid negative words like
> "not."  I suggest rewording "were designed to not have the security
> holes" to "were designed to avoid the security holes"

OK.

> </chainsaw>
>
> Feeling ripped yet?

My biceps are bulging and my stomach is a glistening washboard of pure
muscle mass. Or did you mean due to the chainsaw? ;-)

Thanks for the suggestions. I appreciate it and think we'll have a better
article.

ciao,

der.hans
-- 
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